Just a Pearl
by NaraTemari011
Summary: I know my thoughts are selfish, and it's a big part of the reason why I hate myself even more than before now. I lost my purpose when she left. I found it again after seeing his face. I had never realized just how horrible my train of thoughts could become if I was left alone for too long. That was the first time, in all my years of existence, that I cried myself to sleep.
It will always be like this. No matter the time, place or lifetime…

Time has no meaning to me anymore. What am I expecting? What am I waiting for? I know the chances of you coming back are slim, and if it happened, he would have to be sacrificed. You can't both exist at the same time. I know this fact very well, and yet…

I yearn for her, so much. So much that I think someday, this longing will kill me.

I love her. I always did, and I always will. How can I not? She's an extraordinary gem. She had the courage to decide against our Homeworld in order to protect this planet, and at first, I couldn't understand why. I followed her because her resolve was so strong, and by no means would I have left her side. How could I have? She was the one who taught me that I can be my own gem. She freed me from what I though was eternal slavery, and while I wasn't particularly bothered by it, she explained and taught me _why_ it should bother me.

There are hundreds of other pearls, yet she showed me that we can be just as strong as we want to be, and that we can do whatever we want to do. We are not just born to be servants.

I became a fighter. I learned how to defend myself and attack, I taught myself how to use swords, spears, physical attacks, logic, I even learned mechanical skills. I started studying and acquiring new knowledge… all of this, because I had found a new resolve. Even though she allowed my freedom, I was indebted to her, because she gave me all this strength and confidence that I never thought I could have.

I fell in love with her. That's how humans would describe this feeling, right? We gems don't know of love, only of strong connections. The ones necessary to make a proper fusion. This was not, however, a mere desire to create a being together. This was the need and the craving to exist alongside her, protect her no matter what, and little by little, to become the most important thing to her.

 _I never wanted to see her unhappy… I thought she'd want the same for me._

So why did it come to this?

I looked at the boy sleeping on the bed in front of me.

She sacrificed herself for him after falling in love with a human male. She wanted to give birth to a being who would bridge the worlds between us. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO DO THAT?! WHY DO SUCH A SELFISH THING?! (Was it really selfish, though?)

There was so much despair in my chest, in my mind, _in my heart_. I was angry; I was furious. I had always wanted her to be happy, but not like this! I wanted her to stay beside me. It should have been me.

I know my thoughts are selfish too, and it's a big part of the reason why I hate myself even more than before now.

I lost my purpose when she left. I found it again after seeing his face. He was Rose… right?

The reason why I felt I needed to protect him so much was because deep inside me, I hoped, I really hoped that she would come back. I was scared that if something happened to him, _to his gem_ , she wouldn't be able to exist anymore.

If he died, what would become of Rose?

I sometimes think I won't be able to take it anymore. But, what can I do? I have to endure it until she comes back. I just have to endure it until she comes back.

It seems like without her, I'm really _just a…_

"Pearl?"

I opened my eyes, realizing that sometime during my night watch on Steven, I had fallen asleep. How weird. I never sleep. I looked at him after sitting up.

"Were you having a nightmare?" the boy said to me in a groggy voice.

"What?" I asked.

"You were mumbling things… I thought you fell asleep."

"Did I wake you up? I'm… I'm sorry". Steven smiled, slowly crawling to the end of his bed, close enough to reach me from the corner of it without getting off. With a hug, he laughed tiredly. "You'll feel better now" he said.

I wanted to cry. This was too cruel. He was so much like her. It was painful to see the resemblances. Could it be that, perhaps, she could communicate through him somehow? I had often wondered about this.

I felt like the most horrible being on the universe at the time. Steven was the sweetest, most innocent human I had ever met. The way he was naturally able to sense others' feelings, and the need to comfort them, was amazing. How could an eight year old human being be so perceptive? He took after his mother, I assumed.

Here I was, thinking about Rose again. I thought about the ways that she could come back, and I thought about the fact that if I had to choose one of them, I would probably choose her.

And that made me a heartless person. If Rose could hear this, if I chose her instead of him, she would hate me forever. Yet, I'd be glad just by having her back. I loved Steven, I really did, but… if the time to make a choice ever came, and that choice was up to me…

"Go back to sleep now, Steven" I managed to draw a half-hearted smile on my face, and he nodded after releasing me from his embrace. "Good night, Pearl"

I had never realized just how horrible my train of thoughts could become if I was left alone for too long. After seeing Steven to sleep again, I retired to my own room.

Memories and flashbacks played in my mind. I was trying very hard to hold back the urge to project them through my gem. What was left of my pride didn't allow me to, though, and I was relieved by this. My chest felt like it was going to burst. Remembering her happy, remembering our battles, remembering Rainbow Quartz… her embrace, her touch, her figure, her smile, her heart and soul.

And that kiss… That one kiss that sealed my fate forever.

A meaningless act to her, but oh, so much to me…

I laid down on a bed I had on my room. I didn't even know why it was there, since I never used it until today.

That was the first time, in all my years of existence, that I cried myself to sleep.

 _I'm so sorry, Steven. I hate myself for thinking these horrible things about you. I love you, I really do. It's just…_

 _Rose Quartz, you saved me, only to ruin me again. I hate myself because of this, even after you taught me so much love… so much love, that I can't even bring myself to hate you. I miss you._

 _Ever since you left, I was destined to be haunted by your memory. Without you, I'm really… just a pearl._


End file.
